THE DECISION: Four > One Loko

To preface this post, please watch this video

Considering everyone else has given their take on the FDA’s recent banning of CBAs (here we go again with TLAs [Three Letter Acronyms]), I figured I’d chime in as well. Also, given the timing of last night’s Cav’s-Heat game, and LeBron’s triumphantly hated on return to his home town, I began to ponder the ironic coincidence of two emotion evoking “decisions”. And hey, what are blogs for if not the propagation of unsubstantiated opinions… other than the dissemination of unsolicited evaluations. However, I choose to take a different approach. I won’t bash Phusion Projects and other manufacturers of these products for the creation of elements detrimental to the human condition, or marketing to underage consumers. I also refuse to preach the ideals of free commerce and the consumers right to choose, while lamenting the reformulation of the perfect pregame potion into a less potent, glorified kool-aid with kick.

My roommate Tyler doing some market research

Instead, I applaud the creators of Four Loko for doing what seems to evade the genius of so many marketing and innovation minds of today; the identification of a gap in consumer desire (however fleeting that gap may be) and the satisfaction of this need with the creation of a perfectly positioned product. The originators of the libation, four Ohio State University grads, took the simple concept of a desire to drink copious amounts alcohol and not fall asleep and proceed to drool on oneself, and offered the simplest of solutions. They have since been rewarded for this effort by producing a product that gained a cult following. The FDA’s “Decision” (which rivaled a similarly infamous “Decision” made by one King LeBron James this past summer [by the way, did you catch that game in Cleveland last night? My favorite sign; “We’re not terribly fond of Lebron” represents direct compliance with the “no vulgar signs” rule, classic]) sparked irrational levels of emotional response, from candlelight vigils to tribute videos featuring songs by the artists formerly known as Puff Daddy.

[Insert blog appropriate non-vulgar Four Loko tribute here. Hint: non-existant]

You know who I feel for the most here? Case Western/Cleveland State University students. Talk about the perfect storm of “decisions”. First LeBron sentences

Looking to get on the FBI's radar?

them to attending NBA games featuring Anderson Varejao for the foreseeable future, then the FDA adds sobriety to injury by prohibiting these students from to crawling into their respective colorful 24 ounce cans to drown their sorrows. There is still hope, however, for those looking to evade the neo-prohibitionist policies of the FDA. Just stop by your friendly neighborhood speakeasy… cough… I mean Craigslist, to snag up some premium priced black market goods. Article describing this phenomenon.

As a final thought, lets investigate the origin of the name “Four Loko”.
1. Four– stemming from the four active ingredients in the beverage (Alcohol, Caffeine, Taurine, Guarana)
2. Loko– a seemingly deliberate misspelling of a common Spanish adjective

Phusion Projects has announced they will begin to distribute the product without the stimulant components, or 3 our of the 4 in Four, BUT HOW!?!?
They have to change the name. They must change the name. They’re going to change the name… right? Without these four ingredients, their nonmenclatural options have been severely limited. “One Loko”? Just “Loko”? What the hell does Loko have to do with it anyways. They may cave to popular media and call it by its oft referenced namesake “Blackout in a Can”. I vote for the latter (concept can proposals are in the process of development).

It’s just like the NBA (again); Lakers moving from Minneapolis to LA, or the Jazz relocating the Utah. These teams couldn’t possibly continue to use names which have absolutely no reference or applicability to their new home cities right!? On second thought, the name may be here to stay.

In the meantime, stick with your Irish coffees, vodka Red Bulls, Jeager bombs, or just visit one of the concept Starbuck’s that now serve wine and beer (until the FDA bans these as well).

Peace, love, and capitalism,


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One Response to THE DECISION: Four > One Loko

  1. Sierra says:

    LOVE TLAs!!! Great blog, as usual 🙂
    And, good news! I’ll be coming back to A-B full time next year! Hooray!

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